OMG I'M TRED

Okay real talk here peeps i'm super tired and i need to write

i love it when people block me on the internet. like, DAMN you showed me. like one time someone blocked me by my ip address and i couldn't stop laughing like wow i'm so fuckin scared. like no bitch ur passive aggression just strengthens me. once i accepted the haters i became so much stronger.

i'm just so fuckin tired and i remembered how many haters there are and i am blind to all of them i couldn't give less of a shit if i tried LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS

goodnight lol

ALSO!!!! I GOT AN IPHONE THE LAST TIME I GOT A NEW PHONE WAS OVER FIVE YEARS AGO I LOVE IT SO MUCH I'VE BEEN TAKING SO MANY HOT SELFIES YALL GON BE AMAZED 

Documentation of Recent Events

HOLY COW.

Tonight really was something else, it was so much fun.

I texted my friend Mary to see if she wanted to hang out around 5:30. I didn't see her response until an hour later. She was down to hang out, but at that time I was at my grandparent's house. I asked my grandma where Mary & I should hang out. She suggested Dunlap, Iowa. I sent that to Mary, and bless her heart she was so confused. Eventually we worked out that we would go to Starbucks together, but it was nearing seven by that point. I google mapped her address, and it looked like it would be an easy drive.

I WAS WRONG.

I forgot to account for the fact that is was darker than hell outside, so I couldn't see any of the house numbers on her street. I drove up and down her street for ten minutes, then ended up going around some side streets, and I ended up somewhere called Ruggles. Needless to say, I was petrified. I couldn't help but ask, What the fuck is a ruggle? After much distress, at 7:30 I found her house, and I was mortified to find out it was LITERALLY THE FIRST HOUSE ON THE STREET.

We went to starbucks to get smoothies but they were out of bananas so we were forced out of our comfort zone and the cashier had to help us figure out what the hell to order. I got a Chocolate-Chai-Latte thing that was simply delicious, and Mary got some hot chocolate that turned out to be pretty shitty. You live, you learn.

It got super loud in the starbucks because a bunch of unsupervised middle schoolers were hanging out there so we ended up just hanging out outside in the little shopping area. It was so peaceful and fun and Mary & I talked about everything under the sun and when I dropped her off we had a marvelous hug. I'm still feeling so great right now!!

Happy Friday!!!!!!!

Happy November! OOTD

Yesterday was wild! From school, to physical therapy, to work, and finally home for the night. I've just found time to post pictures of my outfit from yesterday. I was so frickin halloween chic.

note the scary bunny pirate on my shirt

CAUSE YOU'RE NOT HARDCORE

UNLESS YOU LIVE HARDCORE

Also! While downloading these photos onto my computer, I found a few gems my mom took of Daisy and I some days ago-

tired girls

i love her more than words can quantify

Have a fab weekend, everyone! :)

Halloween, Amongst Other Things

My Mirror Speaks by Death Cab for Cutie is actually a really spectacular song, don't even deny it.

Anyway, HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I actually don't care that much about Halloween personally, but I do think it is a pretty fun holiday. It adds something a little different to the drudgery of high school. I mean, I guess I'm excited to go to school today. I hope I plan a SUPER FABULOUS Halloween outfit, but no promises on that yet :( I woke up at, like, 4:45 and I was starving, so I ate some Cap'n'Crunch and I guess I'm just feeling inspired right now.

If I do have on a cute outfit, I'll post an outfit-of-the-day picture. I've secretly always wanted to do that </////3 

FFFFFFF-riday

Yesterday was really good then really bad. Like, the last two hours of the day were really bad. I know I shouldn't stay up until midnight but I did anyway because I'm a rebel who makes decisions that fuck up her sleep pattern. So cool, I know.

Around 11:30 I checked my grades online because the quarter just started and teachers are putting preliminary grades in. I have a C+ in precalc and an F in physics. The C+ in precalc doesn't bother me that much because I'm always destined to be below average in math classes. But Physics?? I had an A last quarter, and now I have an F. We started our motion unit a few weeks ago. I don't understand it. When we took the motion pretest I scored a 5/22. A month later we took the mid term. I got a 9/22. So, an increase of 4 points?

I have Physics first mod today and I am just hoping that I don't cry. If I do, it'd be more from embarrassment than anything else. And last night when I checked my grades I was talking to someone online who I already am on edge with and I ended up taking out some of my negative emotions on him. And of course he said I wasn't being mean but I felt so awful. I still do. I feel like I'm constantly letting out negative emotions then trying to reconcile. I'm not going to pretend I'm perfect.

Happy Friday.

butt kissin 2k13

I'm going to see my physical therapist today for the first time in a few months. Then I have work. I'm excited to go to work.

Right now I'm sitting in the dark in a classroom, hiding out in the back. I hate eating lunch in the cafeteria, so on some days where I have lunches longer than 20 minutes I'll come hole up. I think the current class is watching a movie. I don't know I don't really care either haha.

i haven't been outside since this morning but from what i've seen from windows it looks gorgeous out. Not, "I can go out in shorts and a tee-shirt" gorgeous, but a simpler and more clean gorgeousness. I don't know why it seems more clean. Maybe it's how sharp the air feels against my cheeks when I'm out walking in the fall. I dunno, I just love the fall. My birthday is November 21, and Thanksgiving is around the same time, and I just love the weather in general.

Can you tell I'm not focused? I'm listening to music and I think I'm paying more attention to it than I am to writing. My fingers are just kinda doin there own thing over here.

in Latin class we're learning about the three Punic Wars. I find it so interesting and I really empathize with Hannibal. He won every single battle against the Romans, up until the very last one. I don't understand why I can relate so much to that, but I do. I'm certainly not feeling defeated by any means in life. I just couldn't help but feel a little upset by the end of the reading we did. Hannibal was just fulfilling what he swore to his father he would do.

not to mention the Romans were playing some fucking dirty tactics. When Hannibal's brother (can't remember how to spell his name) began to send reinforcements to Hannibal camped in Italy, the Romans apprehended him, killed him, and cut off his head. And to put the icing on the cake, the Romans threw the head into Hannibal's camp to let him know his brother was dead. How messed up is that.

My blog posts must be such a pain to read lately. Absolutely no relevance or sensical order at all. I generally don't spend too much time on them anymore. Just here to document a few miscellaneous thoughts and write down how I feel.

go listen to the song Bruises  by Chairlift

such a great song

In Review

I think about this past summer and I get filled with a happy and glowing feeling. Late nights outside at work and bright mornings baton twirling with my friends.

i'll probably add more later. this is titled "In Review", after all. 

This morning I've been cuddling on the couch with my adorable dog Daisy Mae and putting inappropriate song lyrics into google translate and then listening to the translation. Call me immature but it helps me get by. Not to mention my life is only more complete now that I know what it would have sounded like if an ancient Roman ever wanted to say, "My pussy tastes like Pepsi-Cola".

I wanted to put a picture of Daisy right here but I don't have any quality files on hand. Here is an alternate photo of Seijuro Mikoshiba from hot summer anime Free!

LOOK AT THIS FRICKIN CUTIE!!

In about half an hour, at 10, I'm going out to visit my grandparents and deliver some groceries to them. Then at 11:30 my friend Lauren and I are meeting at the mall for EXTREME FRIENDSHIP ACTIVITIES. I'm about 5'9" and Lauren is almost a foot shorter than me and when we get together things get out of hand in all the best ways. We just bounce off each other really well, I suppose. In math class we have assigned seating, and we sit by each other most days of the week. Our math teacher has yet to rearrange out spots, which is surprising due to how many times we've gotten scolded for talking and laughing during class. 

After the mall I have baton practice at 5 pm. Hopefully I won't be too tired from walking around the mall. I'm going to try and get a quick nap in before I have to drive to practice. 

All in all, things are shaping up already to be a pretty great day. I was hoping to hang out with one of my friends from work tonight, but he has to work, unfortunately. We were going to go to Red Mango yesterday, but some stuff came up and we couldn't. But that's the past. I'm keeping my sights set on what is sure to be a superb saturday. 

x

no me digas

De pronto anoche el chico que estoy colado por,  me invitó a una cita. Bueno, no es una cita romántica, él dijo que quería pasar el rato... Iremos a comer helado, yo creo. Mi vida es tan extraña pero es normal al mismo tiempo. No sé si eso es claro ;p

^Escribí eso ayer, así, fue dos noches desde él me invitó. Él estaba en mi sueño anoche. No sé como sentirme.

También anoche mi madre y yo fuimos a nuestra iglesia para practicar manejando un carro de cambio manual. El carro es de mi padre, y gracias a Dios que él no estaba presento. Estoy yo lo peor conductora! Según mi madre, " yo quemé goma". Pienso que nos iremos a la iglesia otra vez esta mañana.

Denme suerte, porfa ;p

Ojalá que puedan leer español. Quería que escribir en español, pero yo no sé porque

Sitting in literature. Stopped paying attention ten minutes ago. Eighty minute mods are interesting.

I stayed up until midnight last night talking to someone on facebook. Having crushes is weird and my feelings are lessening but I'm okay with that. I used to think that having a significant other would make my life magically better, and guess what folks, that is so far from the truth. Right now I feel like no matter what happens between us I will still be happy with our friendship.

The nice thing about mondays is my school day schedule is pretty fast paced and I get out early now because I have a pass to leave the building and a free period as my last class. So my day's over at 2:30 then I go home and I never work monday nights so I get to relax. It's really nice not having to do anything at all.

I've recently discovered I love Lana Del Rey. Not in a "god you're so hot let's frick" way. I just want to be best friends with her. She's such a bad ass I love her so much. Especially her song "Without You". That was my favorite song sophomore year but I actually had no idea Lana sang it. Funny, right?

 When I get home today I'll probably watch a lot of Bob's Burgers on Netflix. I love that show so fucking much. Not to mention the voice actors are amazing. Somedays I just watch interviews with the voice actors on youtube because they're so hilarious. 

Life is Buena

Life is just so much fun now that I had that giant fucking epiphany over the summer .

Going to go to work at 5 with my homies. Makin money is so great I love being more autonomous.


Once I realized feeling sorry about myself and letting the bad parts of my life get me down was useless, things have gotten so much better. I have friends who are actual friends and my soul feels lighter than a candy wrapper caught in an updraft. Not to mention I've been quoting The Simpsons more lately, too~~

:) :) :) :)

I'm pleased to see that someone actually chose the "fuck off" option from my poll. I was waiting to see how long it would be until someone did, haha.

lol i'll just make this a real post later

curious

Story time! I was hanging out with two friends yesterday and one kept calling the other a "busta". I was really confused because neither my friend nor I knew what it meant. When I asked for clarification my other friend merely replied it was from a movie and had no idea what it meant either. After much arguing he looked it up and said it's from the movie The Fast and the Furious and that's where he heard it from. I was saying something about how weird it was we looked it up when my other friend proceeds to start laughing to himself and just says, "hehehe, the fast and the CURIOUS" and bursts out laughing at his own joke. it was so hilarious and maybe you had to be there but oh my god it was so endearing I smile whenever I think about it.

here are some random quips i wrote while deciding what to post about.

• I'm really bad at being heterosexual but gosh darnit I've been trying my best and no matter what happens I think i'll be okay. 
• work has been great i love having a job and making money, it's so fucking rewarding. 
• fuck what all the haters say can't see em cause the pussy in the way real bitches wassup.

edit: i wanted to make a pie chart but i couldn't think of what to put so here we are

Popping, Locking, and Dropping a Poem in Here...

Today we had free-writing time in my Creative Writing class. I had a really hard time focusing because I was hungry and I forced this out with every fiber of my being. It was like rubbing my head against bricks. The more I read it though, the more I start to like it. No title yet, and if I ever decide to publish it I will probs take it down from here. Enjoy it while you can lol

EDIT: BLOGGER IS A BEING A DICK AND WON'T FORMAT MY POEM CORRECTLY WITH THE PROPER SPACING I SWEAR IT LOOKS BETTER THAN THIS IS MY WORD DOC >:(

-

cut me apart from the rest of my being,

i’m fine. i was tethered to those egos but

now i’m whole and myself and there are a few

rough edges but those are to be expected

and can be trimmed down with some scissors 

if god concentrates hard enough. 

walking out of the woodwork i met you,

with the same sort of body and rips and

shreds and we have some garden shears in 

the garage just in case we make a mistake but

neither of us are fully wrinkled yet, so please hold on. 

when i was pulled from the womb 

i was sharp and reflected the light

off in red waves in different ways and 

i was smooth as bone marrow kept in 

a glass case for recognition by paying patrons. 

the creases came later into my 

soiled silver skin.

friends and love

and the feeling of her hands rough

against mine proved time and time 

again that she was hurting me and leaving

dents and i finally realized that months ago

and i don’t think i went too slow. 

my brain works it’s own pace. 

and then i met you. we share similar bruises

and i want you to know my shreds and my 

busted up legs and the crinkle in my back,

but persuasion isn’t my forte and you’re 

still trying to iron out your latest indentions

and i haven’t tried to help because i know

that’s neither what you want nor need. 

we’re all just little children 

with tin foil hearts and silver minds

and soapy mouths and we get bitten into

and chewed up and spit out like gristle and

i was never okay with that but now i know 

you and if we keep playing rock paper scissors 

in the dark perhaps we can postpone getting

ripped apart.  

party blog background for my three year anniversary.

though today our country has more important things to remember. maybe i'll be happier tomorrow. it feels disrespectful to celebrate today.

Goals

Now that I'm getting a paycheck every two weeks and have a little extra money to spend, I've decided that what doesn't go into my savings will be put towards buying a nice camera. Not necessarily one for taking photos, though I do love doing that. I want a nice camera for vlogging. Right now the family camera I use is very good, but it's not specifically what I want. And if I want my own that no one else is allowed to use, I have to pay for it with my own money. Which I don't even mind doing. I love buying things with the money I earn. It makes it feel more worth it.

I'm going to start pricing cameras. Wish me luck! x

What I'm listening to today:

Three Years

This upcoming wednesday will be the three year anniversary of creating this blog. I remember the night I made this, sitting in the bowl chair in my room. When I was a freshman I often worried I would abandon blogging along the way towards graduation. I never thought I would be a junior who still cared about posting on Infinitely Pi. It makes me curious to see how many more years I will be writing on here...

Ba Dum Tiss

**9/3/13: I drafted this in May of 2012. I was on my period and wore khaki shorts and I swear to all that is holy I thought it was the end of the world**


Yesterday I realized something very important about myself while I was at school. If you'll recall, I have challenged myself on multiple occasions, some of which I am not too proud of. The most recent one I realized is that I like to put myself on the brink of emotional distress. In other words, I decided to wear khaki short shorts

Life's Bloggable Moments

**9/3/13: Today I've been going through my drafts folder and I'm just gonna publish all the old shit I never finished before. I think I wrote this piece sometime in November 2012**

Did I ever tell you guys about the disaster that was Outdoor Education? Basically, I needed community service hours because I want to graduate high school, and there was an education program that needed free labor. It was a match made in hell. On October 3 and 4 of this year, I spent two days in the wilderness.

Okay, perhaps "the wilderness" is an overstatement, considering the fact we had heated cabins and running water and were half an hour outside town, but still. I was working as a camp counselor at Outdoor Ed. I don't know if all schools do this, but in my district they send all the 6th graders out to a state park for two days to learn about wildlife. And since the teachers don't want to have to sleep in the cabins with the 6th graders, they get a bunch of high schoolers to do it. I was assigned a group of 5 girls, and they were all sweet, but they hated my guts. I don't know what I did to make them hate me, but by the end of the two days those girls wanted nothing to do with me. They absolutely adored my friend Kenneth though. Go figure.

It was absolutely terrible having to spend two days with a bunch of preteens. They were all loud, and a few were particularly obnoxious. And since I was a counselor, I didn't get to participate in any of the fun activities like horse back riding. Of course I got to participate in team building, though. And don't forget the stress management class they had! I think the only fun I had was during canoeing. Even though the lake was disgusting, I had a great time out on the water. I got to go out twice on the water, and luckily I was with girls who were pretty good canoers, so we didn't tip over. I don't even want to think about what would have happened if we did tip over.

There is actually quite a bit more I could say about Outdoor Ed, but I think I'll spare you all the minute details. They probably wouldn't be of any interest to y'all anyhow. I will say one thing though, if you ever want to an Outdoor Ed counselor, make sure you know what you're geting into before you volunteer.

do you have any regrets?

I found this little poem in my drafts folder this morning. I wrote is so long ago. I still like it, though.

remember what i meant to you?
back in the days of microwaving
all our food.

i don't mourn who you are
i mourn who you used to be.

hmmmm tuesday

My eyes are burning right now, but it's not from the peppers my mom roasted yesterday. I think it's my allergies. Daisy slept in my bed with me last night and now my right eye is all watery and gross. And I didn't get as much sleep as I should of last night so I'm sure that's a contributing factor too. My mouth tastes like the blueberry muffin I ate for breakfast, so there is at least some good news. I want to cry but it's not because of sadness like usual. I want to be with someone and laugh so hard that I can barely breathe and that tears start forming naturally. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to experience that today, though I doubt it will happen.

I look a little bit like a tool today. My outfit is really stupid and I know if I were a freshman I would think I looked like hot stuff right now. But 9th grade me was way more depressed and came to school in her pajamas and with uncombed hair every single day. Oh, how my standards have changed.

I'm curious how much more time I can kill right now before school. It's so boring and I have a bagel I could eat but I don't really want to. The cream cheese I bought is still too cold, anyhow.

I have an idea for something else I want to write. I think I'll work on that now. 

to do list for labor day

I think I'm going to go on a jog today. The weather is beautiful and I want to get lost in the air and fill my clogged lungs with something sweet. I want to feel hollow in the best of ways. Not hollow carved out by sadness, but the kind of hollow that invites in positive emotions and creates a permeable membrane between me and all the positive things in my life. The windows are open and the sunlight is hitting the trees just right and the breeze is moving softly and I want to be a part of it rather than a bystander from behind my window. The house smells like the peppers my mom roasted before I got out of bed and I'm going to eat them today with my lunch and it will make my nose and throat burn and my eyes will water and it will feel good and make me feel happy and I'm not sure why I know this but I do.

Daisy is with me and she looks so beautiful I wish I had a camera with me. She's in front of the open windows, sitting on the arm of the couch. The open windows are opening everyone up and positive energy is flowing through my house and I and I fucking love this feeling I want it to stay like this forever. I want to eat peaches and kiss and share a pomegranate with someone and our hands will be stained pink but we'll hold hands anyway.

I love fruit and boys and girls and life is beautiful okay,

Parts of An Internal Monologue

OW PERIOD CRAMPS THIS REALLY HURTS

It's 7 am and I'm in fuzzy pajamas eating oreos out of the box while my stomach feels like it's being stabbed. And that, dear friends, is what it's like to have a period.

Last night I hung out with a friend and we watched movies and I met someone she's been friends with for ages. It was a lot of fun, even though we ate guacamole that was so hot it made me tear up. Whole Foods really ought to mark their packaging better!! We watched a movie called Kindergarten Cop and it was not my favorite but it had Arnold Schwarzenegger in it, and I think he's a pretty good actor.

Yesterday I took a quiz in Latin class and it was easy peasy lemon squeezy. I love Latin SO FRIGGIN MUCH. And I love Spanish SO FRIGGIN MUCH. And I love Esperanto SO FRIGGIN MUCH. In a perfect world I could study language all day and never have to take a math class, ever. In precalc we took a quiz yesterday and I feel like I did pretty well on it but that's usually a sure sign that I failed it. Updates to come.

I haven't done a Bottom/Top 40 in like 3000 years so I think I'm gonna do one right now. But just a Top 40. I've been feeling really positive lately and I like feeling this way. It's such a nice change from the crippling depression not gonna lie.

August 2013 Top 40

1. Oreos

2. Having a job

3. Ouran High School Host Club

4. Neon Genesis Evangelion (this could go on a Bottom 40 too, heh)

5. Daisy Mae

6. Gatorade

7. My grandparents 

8. Subjunctive verb conjugations 

9. Finding Nemo

10. Making new friends

11. Running outside

12. Playing volleyball

13. Braiding my friends' hair. 

14. Ablative Case (Latin)

15. Emily

16. Kelly

17. Peter

18. Seals

19. Birds of Paradise

20. Achieving goals

21. Buying new shoes with my paycheck

22. The Arctic Monkeys

23. The Fratellis 

24. This Town Needs Guns

25. 8tracks

26. The Death Note manga

27. Julia Nunes

28. Liking only one song from a band

29. Liking all songs from a band

30. Reminiscing and listening to Gorillaz

31. Journaling

32. Superfast Jellyfish from Plastic Beach

33. After Dark by Haruki Murakami 

34. "Zeus Couldn't Keep It in His Pants"

35. Conozco 

36. Malcolm in the Middle

37. m e m o r i e s

38.Writing in cursive

39. Learning about bad ass women in history

40. Idk I'm just having fun aight

small things make a big difference

i haven't cried in awhile but i did last night over a boy just look at that.

not even sad tears. and i suppose it wasn't over him. i was mostly just mad at myself for rushing things and not letting things happen organically. For some reason i want to be in control of everything and so i try to force people i like to like me back and it never fucking works how have i not learned that already.

in less dramatic news i have creative writing today. i really like that class. i haven't been writing more per se, but i'm trying new things with my writing so i guess that's a plus. mondays are reading days so i have to bring a book to ~inspire~ me for next class when we write. I chose a book by Sandra Cisneros (not the house on mango street) i'll look up its title later when it's not buried in my book bag.

last night on facebook people i'm "friends" with were using homosexual slurs like it was nobody's business and so I said something about it and only one person took me seriously. it's kind of sad and discouraging to see stuff like that but w/e. i think i've reconnected with an old friend because of it though. he has apparently tried talking to those people about why using those words is not okay. he's pretty chill.

more updates to come, i suppose.

edit: i've had a panic at the disco song stuck in my head all weekend. this is troubling because i don't even really like patd. 

finally ready to feel again

i have a crush on a boy and i shaved my legs for the next time i see him.

dear god let's see what happens. 

something

i squirted glue on my hands just
so i could peel it off when it dried.
and i also spit on my cuts because
my grandpa did that during the war,
and i love him.

spur of the moment

things i am made of

glue
calloused hands
broken blisters
dirt.
anger
and sadness
and cinnamon.
acrylic paint
empty promises
peaches

and a gallon of whole milk

Updatey Things

7/30/13

Just so you all know:

-Anonymous comments are no longer accepted.

-I will be moderating all comments submitted to this blog.

That's all!

Poetry That Isn't True

I accidentally took a photo of myself this morning

Or I took it last night. Can't remember.

Anyway I started writing a poem last night because I was feeling like shit and it's about stuff  I have never done (except for the 2nd stanza WHOOPS) and I probably will never do but hey I needed to get it out so tell me what you think

-

what if i got drunk then

woke up in the morning wearing nothing but

last night's make up and a cape made

by the arms of someone I call a friend

wrapped around my shoulders. then got out

of bed and smoked the last cigarrette from

the package with the golden trim,

my legs dangling off the bed and my back bent

like in a scene from a black and white movie.

i've never starved myself for looks,

if only just to feel a little bit more alive than usual.

but in my new reality I still have a

hole inside of me that I fill with fresh

hunger pangs and kiss their lips until

the hole goes away and is replaced

by something that tastes like peaches

with the skin left on. Soft and palatable

and making my taste buds wild until

juice dribbles down from my lips in lines

like the salt water that falls from my eyes

because i know that i will never have this life,

as ugly as it seems but some days i get tired

of trying to act perfect and pretending

like the shallow life i lead actually means something.

i want to let everyone down

and smash their high expectations.

allowing myself to finally feel something new

that wasn’t planned out since the day

i was brought into this world.

i came in crying with lungs like

tissue paper and i will go out likewise and

when i’m gone it will be my own fault

with no one to blame but me and the hole in my stomach.

-

...So that's that. Uhh I'm not anorexic I really hope this didn't lead you to believe that. I have symptoms of it according to my doctor but honestly I just don't feel like I really am. They probably would have taken more serious action by now if I was.

Anyway, hope y'all have a nice evening. 

Whoops I OC-ed Again

I am channeling Brittney Spears with my post title tonight, how fun.

This past week I joined an RP group and I had to create an OC and after much distress I finally made one! He's named Mark (because that's my favorite male name) and I was gonna write a spiel about him but why not just read his character bio I wrote a few days ago...

Your name is MARK KNABO, and you think you’re some hot shit. 

Upon first glance some might think you are an aloof jerk, but boy do you LOVE to talk. Especially if talking means you can make someone FLUSTERED. You have a tendency to pick on people you actually want to be FRIENDS with. You tend to creat NICKNAMES for people and use them whether they LIKE IT or NOT. You speak CASUALLY and often MASH your words together. 

You have a reputation for being the town BYCICLE from your home town. In high school you were voted MOST ATTRACTIVE BOY in the year book primarily because you were FUCKING THE EDITOR IN CHIEF. Which reminds you, you like getting on the GOOD SIDES of those in charge. Even if you do not particularly LIKE a teacher you will still SUCK UP to them anyway. Both literally and figuratively. 

You are not USUALLY a violent person, but when given the opportunity you’re ALL FOR IT. You have a love for being sneaky, though this becomes difficult because of your brightly colored clothing. Your favorite color is yellow and that is reflected plainly by your WARDDROBE. Yellow shirts, yellow belts, yellow socks. No yellow underwear yeah i kno what u thinkin. Your most prized posession is your YELLOW BLAZER. If anyone messes it up you are sworn by OATH to TEAR THEM TO SHREDS. 

You especially love messing with those two totally CLOSTED HOMOSEXUALS Charley and Owen. You may or may not want to be in either of their pants. Perhaps both. Maybe everyone’s pants. But that’s for later. You’ve got bigger fish to fry right now. 

It's written in the second person WHOOPS. The other character's I mentioned towards the end are some other people's OC's. Do YOU have any OC'S?

Nationals is in Under One Week!

Yes, another year means another trip to Indiana for baton twirling Nationals. I'm so excited! I'm going to the gym tonight with my friend Courtney to drill tricks. It's so much more fun practicing with a friend, yeah? :) I think I may start my worksheet a bit early this afternoon, since I can get all of my rolls practiced at home. It's just those spins that I need the high ceilings for ;D

Regionals was on Saturday and I think we did pretty well. Here is an awesome photo of me getting ready to juggle three batons. And look, I'm actually pulled up on my toes! It looks like all that practicing is finally paying off ;)

I write on other sites

I'm currently writing a JakeDirk fanfiction. I bet all of you are just so surprised. 

Anywho, it's called Grocery Boy and can be found on AO3. It's only two chapters as of write now (get it, write? hahaha i'm so goddamn funny.) LINKLINKLINK

It's a high school AU because I'm an emotional dork and SPOILER ALERT Jake and Dirk are gon be super gay for one another.

Comment if you like it! :)

either the cicadas have stopped their chirping, or i have stopped my listening.

i wrote this earlier tonight and it will probably be in a poem at some point. bad things happened tonight that filled me with an impression of melancholy and my brain is overflowing with thoughts that ache in my fingers yet i cannot bring myself to write them down because i don't want my brain to hurt much more, too. i'm listening to music that makes me feel like i'm living in an in-between state. I'm not happy, not sad, not living yet not dead.

Death surrounds me and it fills me with such emotion that there are no words for how to describe the pain. i want to cry but no tears have yet to streak my face. actually i take that back. immediately after i saw it i cried then stopped when my dad began to yell.

patches of blood and black covered her legs and nose. she looked dead but the flicker of her eyes alerted me she was still alive. patches of bugs eating living flesh of one i love. i do not want these pictures in my mind.  

Esperanto!

I was bored and looking for something to do, so I decided to finally buckle down and learn Esperanto! Ever heard of it? It was made up in the late 1800s by a Polish man who was disgruntled by the communication barriers that came from so many people speaking different tongues in one area. His solution was to make up his own language that could be learned by everyone for easier communication. In other words, we'd all have a common language! Esperanto isn't meant to take the place of all the beautiful languages that already exist, rather it is to aid international communication! What makes it even better is that it is non-gendered and THERE ARE NO IRREGULAR ANYTHINGS. YOU HEARD ME RIGHT. NO IRREGULAR VERBS OR PREPOSITIONS OR DIRECT OBJECTS. HOLLA. (not to mention there are no declensions. You can hear me and all the other Latin students of the world crying from happiness in the distance.)

I started my Esperanto adventure by going to the blog thelanguagecommunity.tumblr.com and looking through the Esperanto tag. (if you ever need ANY information about a language, I recommend this site. Has a wide list of language tags!!) I first found a website that taught me some grammar basics and essential words,  but the work was tedious and rather boring. So I hopped back onto thelanguagecommunity and found en.lernu.net. Like a shining beacon in the night, it has everything I could have ever hoped for in a language site. There are stories, reading & listening activities, and tutors on the site who you can choose from to literally check your work for you at the end of each unit! It's like heaven on earth for a language geek like me. Not to mention there's an instant messenger system available to all members where people can casually chat in Esperanto! Also the website in available in FORTY ONE LANGUAGES SAY WHAT.

I got such a metaphorical boner just writing this. You all NEED to visit the site. Maybe get an account and we can talk! :D

Gxis amikoj! :-)

I'm so incredibly sick of people.

that is all

Quick Lil Poem

Tonight I went to a pool party.

Tomorrow I'm not going to work.

Then I babysit the day away.

Now I'm left to pondering life's worth.

Since the fourth of July is coming up, here is a poem...

-

i can't decide when to cry.

should i do it now when my house

is silent or do i keep it pent up

like a firecracker stuck inside

of a barbie's head on the fourth of july.

we used to do that together. Blowing up dolls

till a parent found us in the road.

I can't decide if it's better to turn

my eye sockets into personal fountains

which can efficiently pour out my misery,

or to become a naked plastic barbie doll

with dog bites covering its surface,

and burst into burning, fragmented pieces.

- 

You can probably figure out when I wrote this. 

Adventures with HTML- Vol. I

Hannah, What Is This Crap?

Lately not much has been going on. I don't really do much except go to work and read. So I decided to start learning how to write HTML code. It's pretty fun. What I really want to learn is CSS but I figured I should start from the bottom up. Random thought- I wonder what this will look like once it's posted? I'm currently writing in HTML format with all the tags and such, and I wonder how Chrome will interpret it? I GUESS WE'LL FIND OUT

To bold words in HTML you have to add the tag "strong" every time you want to bold something. I can only think of Equius whenever I use it. Life.

WOW this is super boring I'm probs gonna delete it later. Until then, keep on being amazing

PS THIS IS WHAT MY "CODE" LOOKS LIKE IT'S SO LAME

You Are Missed, But Not Forgotten.

Friday night I came home at 9:30 to bad news. My dad showed my mom something in the newspaper that almost made her scream. Alex, our 19 year old  neighbor, died that morning at 3:45 am from crashing her car. At first I thought I'd thought I heard my mother incorrectly. No, Alex didn't pass away. I saw her last week. This can't be happening.

I was numb. She was one of my best friends growing up. Even though she was three years older than I, we became fast friends when her grandmother moved in across the street from my house. I was in first grade. She was the one who rang our doorbell, asking to play with us. I spent so many summers with her, my brother, and the other neighborhood kids. We filmed stupid movies together, we played video games together, we created recipes together, we made memories together. Even during the school year we'd hang out whenever she was at her grandmother's house (which was just about every day).

Her visitation was this evening. My whole family went, and the church was full of family and friends of Alex. I immediately spotted her grandmother (Leona) and gave her a hug. She's almost 90, but she hugged back with the strength of someone half her age. She had her arm tight around my waist for a few minutes as we talked about Alex and all of our memories. Growing up I didn't just know Alex. I was able to spend time with her whole family. Her house was like a second home to me. I knew where everything was located in the kitchen, I knew how to work the TV, and I spent the night there on occasion. Leona couldn't believe how much I've grown.

Seeing Alex's mother was hard. We were waiting in a line of people to see her and when my family got the the front she looked at me and we immediately hugged. I couldn't stop the tears that came. I cried into her shoulder and we hugged for a good long while. She said that she has so many memories of Alex and I. She also said how much it means to Alex that I was there. I started to cry again.

Another thing at the visitation was a table set up with a lot of Alex's favorite possessions. I could have spotted her pink violin from 100 feet away. I remember the day so many years ago when it got to her house from Ebay and she couldn't stop playing it. It's much dingier now. Another item on the table was a big Scooby Doo stuffed animal. Seeing those things made me absolutely break down. She loved Scooby Doo. I remember seeing pictures she drew of him hung up on the walls of her grandma's house. I remembered so many of the things on the table. It broke my heart so much I had to walk away so I wouldn't start sobbing in front of everyone.

There was a big poster set up for people to write on. I signed it, saying how much we miss her, and how cherished our summer memories are. Other people wrote that they'll miss her smile, and hearing her laugh. People wrote down her nicknames and other inside jokes. She is so loved. She was such a happy person and her smile and laugh were infectious. She was so funny she made me lose control of my bladder on multiple occasions.

I wrote an incredibly personal poem about her passing, and I think I  may post it once I have come to terms with this more fully. I still feel like I could see her shoveling snow in front of her grandma's house this Christmas.

EDIT: I've decided I want to post the poem. I wrote it friday night all in one sitting. I wrote and wrote until I felt I had told the story as best as I could. It might not make much sense, but here it is:

I remember it was a Friday night.

Your mom had just dropped you off

at your grandmother’s house after your

dance recital.

You came directly across the street to my house

Face pink from what I assumed was the summer heat

Your body tired from moving to music that

I can’t remember the name of.

You told me you missed your dad.

I never met him. He died before we met.

He and your mother loved you so,

so much. They tried so hard for a baby

and adopted you as a third member of their family

before he died in a tragedy and it’s a

travesty that I cannot remember all of the

details you ever divulged to me. Not that you

liked to talk about it much. Except for that Friday evening.

That night makes me think of popsicles and tears

Sweet and salty but it’s a combination that

creates distress in my hippocampus as

I try to remember why those

Two tastes were so relevant.

You missed him. So, so much. I can’t remember

if you ever got to meet him. But that didn’t stop

the pain from flowing in when you realized he would

never be able to see you perform on stage.

Tears rimmed your water logged eyes

Before the dams eventually burst and your

exquisite round cheeks became the parchment

for pent up retentions of harmful emotions

of some 12 years. Your tears were so salty and

my fingers so sticky from a sweet popsicle

that I’m not sure if I ever really ate. But I do

know that your mascara ran in bleeding tracks

down your flushed cheeks, your voice hiccupping

in and out, telling me, yelling at me, confiding in me.

Love can transcend blood lines and physical ties

That we perceive here on earth.

So imagine my surprise tonight when I came inside

And heard my mom gasp with such terror I cannot

Even bear to turn it into a comparison. She refused to tell me

What was wrong, but I saw the newspaper in her hands.

What was it this time? My mother's haunt was the obituaries,

A product of her affinity for befriending the elderly,

And I assumed her shock had nothing to do with me

Until she refused to divulge the scary, scary information.

We hadn’t talked in years, since you had

Gone to high school and left the roller blades

And bicycles behind. You graduated and shipped yourself

Off an hour away for an enviable education.

F-O-U-R, Four years.

But even the longest time could not have stopped the

Tears that told their own stories down my

Cheeks and parched lips. You died in a car crash,

3:45 am. You lost control of the car, turned the

Steering wheel too far, and were pronounced dead on

The spot. I can’t believe the reality of your fatality,

Just one week ago I saw you packing up your

White jeep, getting ready to go somewhere. I

Can’t bear to imagine what your jeep

Must have looked like when the collision

Occurred. Just 19 years old how could god take

You back home so soon before I got a chance

To make amends and maybe become best friends

Again because you were my answered prayer,

The older sister I never had yet received nonetheless.

God was too gracious to me. How could he take you.

Your poor mother, all alone. Widowed and without

Her only daughter. I fear for what is to come of her.

Alone in my room I’m afraid to feel.

I contemplate the cons of crying when I begin

To smell a familiar scent of fried chicken

That was commonplace in your grandmother’s

Kitchen. I want to get rid of the smell, to forget

The way it tasted, to forget the precious white and blue

China that we ate off of whenever we stopped in

On your family gatherings. I remember your love of garfield,

Breaking an air mattress in your basement, hunting for ghosts,

Destroying an elmo plush before creating a noose for it in my tree,

We probably defaced some public property during our many trips

To the park down the road. I will never forget your halloween parties,

Reading your library books and then having to pay

You back the fines I racked up from keeping them

Just a few weeks too long. I won’t forget trying on

Your old dance costumes and laughing about

How dumb they looked. I won’t forget playing capture

The flag and dumb video games in my unfinished basement

On stormy days. You were a member of my family

For so long, we loved you like our own, letting you

Sleep in our house and see the worst sides of ourselves.

I miss you, I wish I could have said one last thing

To you. But I didn’t know this was coming,

And I suppose neither did you. Because we just kept

On living like we are invincible because

No one got hurt when we skateboarded down carpeted stairs,

Or when we went down steep hills on bikes

Without brakes. I hope you remember me fondly,

as I often still idolize you

in stories I recount to friends,

The memories they never end.

My mother tried to console me,

Attempts to quell my tears with her loving embrace

And when she said, “Honey, she’s in a better place.

She is with her father now.” I lost my grip

On self-control when I realized the girl with

Makeup creating calligraphy on her face

After her dance recital finally got her

One true wish. 

You are an official member of my family. You earned so many Pulverenti-Badges. From eating homemade meatballs to getting a pie squished in your face, you are like a sister to me. We love you so much, Alex.