Haha I'm so Pathetic

Every time I've felt sad the past three days I just open a new tab in Google Chrome and play this gif until I start to feel better:

I am kind of fed up with life in general at this point. I'm so glad that I'm on Spring Break. Maybe being completely isolated is just what the doctor ordered... 

Is Spring Finally Here

Something was different when I walked into school today. Everyone was wearing bright colors, and I saw at least four or five teachers bringing in boxes of doughnuts for their homeroom.

Maybe it's because Spring is finally coming. 

Jobs

I'm? Applying? For? A? Job? Today?

It's only a part time job but I'm still really nervous.

Wow, It's Been a Long Time

Sometimes it randomly hits me that I've had this blog since 2011. The funny thing is that it doesn't feel like it has been that long. Really it feels like just yesterday I was creating a blog named Infinitely Pi and was writing about pictures of green beans.

This post may be redundant because I post so often about my existential crisis, but SERIOUSLY GUYS IT'S 2013?!?!? I think about how much I've changed over the years and I literally cannot believe how different I am from when I started blogging. My writing style, my world view, and so much more have changed since September of 2011. I've had so many experiences that have shaped who I am today, and I can't help but wonder what else is in store for me that will change me with this coming year.

Even though I am not much older than I was when I began blogging, I am much more mature, and I now can do so many "adult" things. Like driving by myself, applying for part time jobs, and staying up past midnight ;)

My dad really wants me to apply for a part time job this weekend, which makes me nervous. My anxiety has not been getting better recently, but my parents think having a job will help with my depression. I want to work at this discount book store that is by my house, but my parents want me to work in a retirement home.


Who knows where I'll end up? 

More Drama Between Grown White Men

Recently I finished reading a book about the discovery of anesthesia. There was a lot more drama involved than I ever thought possible, to be quite honest. Four men are credited with the discovery of it, but back in their days during the early to mid 1880s they called anesthesia "ether". All of the men were from the American Northeast and Southeast. The men were completely grown up when they made their discoveries, and obviously they were all white, because come on, this was a history book I was reading (could I be any more sarcastic?)

At one point or another all of these men had met one another and traded information and ideas, but ultimately they all hated each other. Well, except for the discoverer from Georgia. The other three men wanted the glory of the discovery all for themselves. They did not want to share the money, so they scrambled as fast as they could to get a patent on it. These three men all became extremely depressed and anxious and one of the three committed suicide. That particular man was actually in jail when he ended his own life, because he had spent the remaining days of his life getting high and wandering around the streets of New York City. But one day while under the influence he threw acid on some prostitutes and that landed him in jail, where he spent his final 48 hours.

One of the other men also ended up in New York City in his last weeks. He and his wife were living there, but he was so overwrought by anxiety that every waking moment was torture for him. One day while driving a carriage through Central Park he suffered from a stroke, and he died in the park with his wife by his side. He was buried near Cambridge back in Massachusetts where he was originally from.

The last of the three "crazy" men found the grave of the aforementioned man and went insane in front of it. He started shouting at no one in particular and creating a disturbance so great that other people in the cemetery became concerned and called the police. When the cops arrived he was arrested and put into an asylum, where he spent his remaining few years.

Remember that fourth man who I mentioned in the very beginning of this post? Well, he was the only man who actually ended up leading a happy life. He was not trying to discover anesthesia for the fame or fortune, because he did not want any money from it at all. He just wanted to help his patients. He spent the majority of his life in Georgia with his wife and children. Delivering babies was his favorite thing to do as a doctor, and he actually spent the last few hours of his life delivering a child. Immediately after the baby was born he had a stroke and passed away a bit later. Personally I find it unsafe that a man who was about to have a stroke was delivering a baby, but I guess it's a little bit late for my opinion.

I'd highly recommend you all read the book "We Have Conquered Pain: The Discovery of Anesthesia" by Dennis Brindell Fradin. Even though I've basically spoiled the entire book for you in this post, I still think it's worth a read ;)

Buy Here

Yep

I cried at school today for more than two hours.

My eyes have been on fire all day.

I don't like life right now. 

Tales of Romance

fuck
frick
frig
friggin
frickin
fudge
fuckin
fuck
fuck
frick

a poem. 

Dreaming

"You still love her, don't you?"

"Yes, I do... I'm sorry."






My dreams have been haunting me lately.






"There's no way out now. We're taking everything that you have....

And there's nothing you can do about it." 

I haven't just written about my life in awhile, so I guess that's what I'll be doing right now.

All in all, things have been really hectic, but not in a good way. If you're subscribed to my youtube channel you're probably aware of all the ridiculous things I've been doing, but you might not know that I've also been under a lot of stress lately. I have many projects due within the next two weeks, and right now I'm sort of at a breaking point. It's so bad that I was reading a book last week and I started crying because one little aspect of the novel pushed me over the edge. I couldn't stop crying for over two hours as I realized all that was going wrong in my life.

I tend to dwell on the negatives in life. For instance, all I've had on my mind the past few weeks is how I'm a complete failure of a person and I'm going to do poorly in all my subjects at school and how I'm never going to amount to anything that'll actually be important. I'm falling into a phase again where I only listen to the same music, want to be away from people, and stay inside all day. I like having friends, and I love my friends dearly, but a lot of the time I just want to be by myself in the quiet.

The only time I'm ever really alone is at night, but I'm usually so exhausted that I can't even enjoy the peace and quiet. And my insomnia is starting to come back, and I am not looking forward to more late nights where I never fall asleep. My insomnia comes in phases, usually when I'm most depressed. It's been on and off since fourth grade, really.

Another thing I can't stop thinking of is the future. I cannot help but think that the way humans are living right now is going to kill the earth. I don't even know that much about environmental science, but I just have this gut feeling that we're going to eventually mess shit up so badly that we won't be able to recover.

Also I've been trying to do a lot of writing lately, but it just turns out rotten. I used to be able to write with such ease, and now it's more of a pain than anything. Just look at how my blog has gone down the toilet since summer vacation! I used to update every single day before summer, but now I can't muster the energy to sit down and actually write something substantial. This right here isn't even real writing, is it? I'm just ranting and getting upset over trivial matters. I feel like I should be able to solve all of my problems by myself, but I know that I can't.

Sometimes I just hate myself so much.

Honestly the only thing that's keeping me from having a panic attack right now is me telling myself that everything is A-OKAY and looking at this picture:

I found this on tumblr a really long time ago and I don't know why it's funny BUT IT IS. If you don't read Homestuck it might not make any sense, sorry...

ps i haven't spell checked this yet but i'm posting it anyway.