18 years old

Today I'm 18 years old. Time time time time time time time time time flies. 

pix + misc thoughts

while i was at work today my dog did cute activities in my bed that my mom caught on camera:

Daisy thinks she's a people!!!!! 

Misc thoughts:

I think that since this is my senior year of high school, this may be the last year that I post on this blog. I don't know, maybe it just will feel complete to me that way. I sorta want to make a word press blog or something while I'm in college and beyond, but we'll see where I go down this road. When I made this blog freshman year, I really didn't expect it to last. Yet, here I am four years later, still posting. 

tonight

The past two days were really rough for me until things got way better tonight. The ACT is tomorrow and I've been stressing insanely about that, and Thursday I had so much work to do and I was so exhausted I couldn't concentrate on any of it so I got nothing accomplished for the most past last night. Not to mention that my crippling loneliness is coming back in full swing now that it's getting closer to winter and I'm remembering why I hate having seasonal depression so much. My depression is already such a struggle for me and it just gets so much worse during the winter time. All day long I was just irate. Completely over it, basically. I did work all day long at school and when I got home I had even more to do. I took a solid nap though and that really helped to get me back on the right track. I did a little bit of AP Lit homework, and then at 7 pm Mary picked me up and we went out for a Night of Debauchery.

We enjoyed a lot of time together outside, and then we stopped in at work really quick to check the schedule and after that we ended up driving around for an hour with the windows down, blasting music. We were SO obnoxious but it felt good to not have any cares at all. Mary's mixed CD was an absolute disaster but it was some of the best music I've heard in awhile. I knew none of the words to the songs but I didn't care we just kept driving it felt so relaxing and so freeing. We ended up at a red light while some dance song was blaring, and we were dancing like idiots, and a semi-truck was next to us, and the dude in the passenger seat began jamming out with us and when we noticed we both absolutely LOST it. It was so funny, and we were on the road with them next to us for about a mile, until they eventually turned left, and were gone. We blew them lots of kisses.

My voice is going to be hoarse tomorrow from how much shouting Mary and I did tonight, that is for sure. I'm feeling very contented right now though, and relaxed. my apprehensions have melted away, and tonight while in the car, I just realized that I Do Not Care Anymore. I'm still my own first priority, but I'm not going to be concerned with how I'm perceived by others. I'll do as I please, honestly.

here is a pic I took out of a cute book in my latin class:

:)

"It is fitting that everyone has a dog greeting them when they return home!"

JUST GET A LOAD OF THAT AD + GERUND TO EXPRESS PURPOSE. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE USES OF CUM + THE SUBJUNCTIVE. OH YEAH. 

A lot of people think Latin is a language filled with anger. I'm not saying they're wrong, but we sure can have a lot of fun with Latin too!!! 

i'm not spell or grammar checking this tonight I'm going to bed! 

x

October

Is there no better time for introspection? I've been busier than a bee with all of my AP classes and work and life in general, but I certainly am keeping my head above water. In AP Latin we're halfway through translating Caesar's De Bello Gallico. We've translated books I, IV, and now we're on V. I think we're translating all the way through book VI. It is frustrating at times, but oh! how I do love it.

I wrote an essay for AP Lit all about Hamlet. I examined how elements of humor throughout the text impact the tragic elements of the play. Tonight is wednesday and I don't have school again until this coming Tuesday. My bones are restless. Of course I have homework to do over my break, but I am not thinking so much about that right now. Over the past month I had a little bit of a romantic fling with a friend of mine, and it was very fun. Rather fulfilling for the most part. But I ended it on the weekend. I was too frustrated because our schedules clash and it was too much effort for something that was just messing around.

Now I'm sat at home, wishing someone were here with me. Decisions. I want to hang out with someone tomorrow before I have to go to work, but we'll see what happens. I may just spend the day working on Chemistry assignments and translating Latin. Perhaps I will just try to finish translating the rest of book V (I'm halfway through translating 5.33, I'm not sure how many are left after this one). I just checked, looks like my text goes through 5.48. We'll see how much I can stand to translate tomorrow. I'm not sure why, but translating isn't a chore for me. I look forward to doing my Latin homework. After we finish up with Caesar, we're going to move onto some of Virgil's poetry. I'm excited to translate poetry, it will be a nice break from all of this war-talk and history (I feel as though I must use the term "history" loosely, haha).

Here's an album I listen to a lot while translating (it keeps me focused): xoxo

Life has not stopped changing drastically for me ever since sophomore year. I must say that I love it. There are surely days where I become frustrated, and I go through periods where my depression gets back to a concerning level, but I am a much more level-headed and strong person than I was before. Spending time alone has taught me how to reflect properly and how to comprehend the things that happen in my life.

Such as tonight, I am feeling very introspective. I've been listening to a lot of music. I had baton practice, and it was very hot in the gym but I've really been enjoying the routines we're working on for this year. They're very fast and upbeat. A nice change of pace.

Here is a poem I wrote a while ago, I'm still not sure how I feel about it:

08/25/14

Oh, hold me close but don’t choke me

Flower petal imprints can still be seen

Light pink in rings around my neck;

I’m alive and my eyes are swollen yet

My heart is beautiful like the sea is clean:

Daises don’t grow in the bottom of the ocean.

Sanitize the burns with salt water,

Nothing may grow but it will be clean,

Choking throat and clogging lungs

The salt water stings the lamentations

I’ve streaked out on my body,

I forgot that salting the soil stops all growth,

My veins reek of Carthage.

Write me a melancholy filled

Solely with flower petal footprints

In murky river water, not on my skin,

I know that it burns less.

The tall grass and bright summer-

Time blooms are rushed away by

Fresh running water. Write me flower

Picking in early June. I need it back.

I want to revisit memories with a different

Version of myself: no petal-like

lesions across my body.

 I may revisit it someday soon. I need to edit a lot of the pieces I've been working on lately. My brain has been too preoccupied for that though as of late.

Here are some Latin quotes I've gotten recently and they are worth sharing:

Ebrietas mores aufert tibi, res et honores
"Drunkness takes away your character, your things, and your reputation" (Medieval).

Ex ore tuo te iudico
"I judge you from your own mouth" (--)

Such great quotations, maybe once I've gotten some other good ones I'll post those as well. Hope whoever reads this has a nice day. I doubt that anyone besides myself still reads my blog. I have cut out all the people from my life who used to read it. Honestly I prefer it this way.

Vivamus- "Let Us Live".

Onto August

Oh yes how good August is almost over!!!

just making a post now so there's one that'll show up in the archives lol.

i'm planning to write something tomorrow morning on here i'll keep everyone posted :)

Goodbye, July

Wow, what a month!!

I finished my college Latin class, and went to Nationals for baton twirling!! My group and I placed in the top 10 for all our routines, and snagged a national title in one event :) So, a successful year!

Yesterday I was asked out, and I said yes. I suppose my hope of having a summer fling is coming into fruition after all. Especially seeing as they're leaving for college in about two weeks.

For me, I don't want a committed relationship. I want to have fun, hang out, and just relax. So I'm hoping all of those things will be accomplished. I don't want to go into Senior year in a relationship. Especially not a long-distance relationship. This is such a big time in my life and I want to have the room to make changes in my life. And to be less stressed, of course. I have no qualms with being alone, honestly. I had to learn how to be alone, and I'm glad I did. I just want to continue to grow this coming school year, and I want the same for the person I'm seeing right now. It's their freshman year of college, it's not fair to them to be in a relationship going into school. I want for them to learn and explore just as much as I'm going to!

I worked two long, 8-hour shifts this weekend, so tonight I am definitely feeling ready for bed. But I feel like I ought to stay up because this is really the first time it feels like summer for me. No baton, no school, nothing! Besides work, but I don't mind doing that right now ;-)

In other news, I've been working on writing something pretty major lately, and I think I am going to post it on my tumblr blog as well as on here. It will be good for me to post it. I'm excited to!

l8r

Yoooo It's June!

I'm taking a college class this summer in Latin and it's two semesters of Latin in 5 weeks. We're on week four pray for me.

Tomorrow is July which is insane!!! Mexico is out of the running for the title in the FIFA world cup so I don't really care about that anymore. That's a lie. I'm so watching the rest of the matches.

Fav quote so far that I've translated in Latin Class:

Mea puella magis quam meos oculos amo.

I love my girlfriend more than my eyes. 

I had to remember this off the top of my head so if it's not 100% correct oh well. I believe it was Catullus who said this. 

The other things I really like are some passages by Horace and Cicero about friendship. If I get the time maybe I'll post my translations for you all :) They are very sweet. An interesting quip my professor says often: Technology changes; people don't. So reading Roman works on morality, friendship, love, etc. are all still relevant. I love it!

I also have been working on some writing projects that I may post as well in the future. But for now-

Valete!

PS: best album in my life right now

 

Three (3) songs that are pretty cool that you should listen to. 

favorite selfies

I'm conceited so what.

Yesterday in my Photography 1 class my teacher gave us cameras and half an hour to take 'selfies that don't look like selfies' and i tell you what it was so much fun.

here are some i rather liked:

Self portraits are pretty hard but so much fun and really rewarding. I have to keep taking portraits every day through saturday and tonight we had to take another selfie. I don't have any really good ones from tonight but this is the one i turned in for credit:

I actually really like the yellow tint to the photo because of the lamp light. My arm is super blurry but I didn't bother to crop it out because I don't care THAT much right now I'm just glad I turned something in! And tomorrow night after I go to physical therapy I'm picking up Mary and we're going to shoot some portraits in the park and then more than likely go to Starbucks and take more pictures and have more fun. 

Tell me what you think of the photos! 

x

another found poem

i listened to a bunch of music a couple nights ago and wrote a found poem with some of the lyrics bc I'm a gay ass nerd

Deep inside me the color's all I see.

Denominations

Our indignation

Take your time, don't hurry,

can't you see I'm nervous, so please

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you

But I find it hard to love you

Lying in your attic

Suicide in your arms

To lick your heart

this is the only part of it that's actually good enough to post haha. here's the list of the music i used for the whole thing, so not all these songs may apply to what i have shared here:

i’m looking through you the beatles

clark gable the postal service

without you lana del rey

start of something voxtrot 

my mirror speaks death cab for cutie

hard to explain the strokes

indigo tom milsom

girl that you love panic! at the disco

nowhere man the beatles

seaside the kooks

twin size mattress the front bottoms

zorbing stornoway

arms tonite mother mother

scar tissue red hot chili peppers

it's not a good poem but i like it anyway it has character. i have to work every night this weekend, which kinda sucks but at least i'm making money holllllla. and I got a B on the math TEST that i took today which i was positive i would fail. Pleasant surprises are always nice :) I worked so hard for that grade, too. It was all me. 

look at this cute photo i uploaded to instagram the same night i wrote the shit poem. i like feeling cute ^-^

not to mention how modest my outfit is i really rather like it. a weird sort of empowerment by not showing my neck i guess. i haven't been doing that in a lot of my youtube videos lately, i've noticed a trend. 

in conclusion:

i'm quite exhausted, but keeping a positive attitude is key to being the best i can be. 

piercings

Molly and I hung out today after school because she's on spring break. we got our nails done at some place by her house and it was so utterly relaxing they massaged my hands and everything <3 We have a baton competition tomorrow which I'm pretty excited for.

Also tonight i went with molly as she got her cartilage pierced and I'm the first to say how insanely envious i am!! it looks great on her, and i've wanted my cartilage pierced foreverrrr. I can't wait until I'm 18 this November and I can sign off on all the paperwork myself and my parents can't stop me from doing what I want to my body. that sounds harsh haha, but I just want to have piercings and let's just say my mom isn't really wild about them.

Currently I'd like:
-Cartilage
-Naval
-Nose
-Maybe VERRY tiny plugs someday
-basically just all the ear piercings my friend liz has at work. she's 19 and has so many and i am so impressed with them they look gorgeous. 

Summary 03/15/14

Tonight was pretty nice!

I woke up fairly early and cleaned all the dishes in our house because the dishwasher is broken and I LOVE CLEANING DISHES IT'S SO RELAXING. Then dad let me take out his stick-shift for awhile and I drove through mainly side streets because it's been awhile but I did spend some time on main roads. I also had a little brunch at Panera while out driving.

Then I stayed home until about 4, doing homework and napping on and off. By 3:30 I had to get out of the house again, though. So I drove to Starbucks and finished my homework there. I'm also learning to speak Hindi, and I'm starting by learning the Devanagari alphabet. It's a lot of work but it's a great challenge and so much fun!! I stayed at Starbucks for close to two hours when I messaged a coworker of mine seeing if he was free to chill. We met at Taco Bell around 6 and stayed there until 7. He's a rather nice guy, and in college. It was super fun to just relax with a friend and joke around and tell funny stories.

What really sticks out in my mind though is at 7 we decided to go and we were going to go to the camping supply store like a block away. It was so gorgeous- we walked and the sky was starting to turn gray and it got a little windy as we walked but I felt alive. Turns out the store closes at 6 on saturdays, so we had to turn around and go back. We didn't want to go back inside Taco Bell though, so we went our separate ways. Something about that was just so nice.

I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have are truly a blessing.

xo

शुभ रात्री औरफिर मिलेंगे !

Also!! Check out this adorable pic of me and my two best friends at baton. These girls always have my back <3 (L to R: Me, Courtney, Molly). We had rubber ducks cause why not. 

considering rejoining poetry club this year for the bouts that are coming up.

competing is super fun and i have a poem i would like to share but i dunno. i'm still pretty swamped with work and school but i guess we'll see how things work out. my friend renee keeps telling me to come back lol

tomorrow's a half day but i'm wearing my favorite dress anyway because i love myself

x

too good for you

Art from earlier this year on a night where music was making me a good kind of inspired anxious and i could feel it in my bones. 

i didn't have to work tonight and so i slept for a nice long while then woke up around 6:30 and had a bowl of ice cream for dinner while i did some homework then proceeded to chill. around 9 i saw my girl molly sub tweeting the hell out of her ex on twitter so i picked up some burger king and went to her house. we watched vines for a little over an hour and her mom gave me a slice of cake that I kept dropping out of my mouth because i was laughing so hard. 

i love my friends. i really only have like 2 or 3 close friends but they are just some of the greatest people you could hope to meet. 

i reread of mice and men last week and i cried like a lil bitch. that book never fails to hit home with me. now we're reading catcher in the rye which i read half of many years ago but i can't remember that much about it. i'm very into it  so far. also in my basement i found this book called roman life that's all about ancient roman civilization and like THAT IS MY SHIT it's so interesting. I loaned off my mythology book to Mary because she wanted to read some norse myths (which i actually don't care for but to each her own). i still haven't finished kafka on the shore but i'm nearing the end and i'm so confused and i love it. in latin class we've been reading tales of the house of cadmus, and today we finally got to oedipus rex and i swear that story gets more and more fucked up each time i read it i swear. 

goodnight x

too good for you. 

hablame porfa

jaja estoy aquí con un blog en español otra vez ;) Ayer fui a una fiesta con mi amiga Avi y tenía un tiempo buenísimo. Avi se practica Judaísmo, y cada noche viernes ella y su familia hacer "Shabbat" (creo que es como lo escrito). Yo conocé a muchas personas nuevas, y yo hablaba en español un poquitín. En realidad espero que habría hablado en español más que yo hice.

Toda el día hoy no quería hablar en inglés, jaja. Así, estoy escribiendo este blog en mi idioma segunda. En trabajo, yo obligué a Mary que hablar conmigo en español, y ella participó fantásticamente. Mañana tengo que ir a mi trabajo a siete de la mañana a las uno de la tarde. Esas horas me disgustan, pero así es la vida no? ;D Bueno, necesito dormir ahora. Muchas gracias si leas al fin de este, tú mereces un premio.

xo

It's Been Awhile

Not sure when was the last time I posted. I've been busy. Since the beginning of December:

• I've had surgery
• Worked my ass off
• Passed PreCalc semester one with a B (!!)
• I've struggled to keep up in Physics
• I've continued to make more great friends
• Been reading some
• Started watching "Keeping up with the Kardashians" (I love the show so much I don't care when people judge like okay have fun hatin on a tv show haha)
• Been to some local concerts. 
• Gutted out my entire room and cleaned it from top to bottom (I donated about 50 books, threw away a lot of stuff from middle school through sophomore year, etc.)
• Had someone give me a Valentine's gift while I was working 

And much more. I've been so busy with my life that I've neglected this 'ol blog of mine. Some of the rare spare moments I have nowadays I spend journaling or reading. I started keeping a journal in April of last year and it's really therapeutic for me, being able to write down and quantify my feelings. I filled up an entire notebook and I've started in on another one, oh boy. 

It's also getting close to the anniversary of some very life-alerting events that happened to me last year. I honestly cannot believe a year has passed. I'm such a different person than before. I'm a better person. I went through hell but I came out alive and stronger and I thank God everyday for the way my life has changed. Recently I was looking back at photos from when I went to winter formal last year, and I have such huge bags under my eyes, and I was so underweight. I can't believe I thought I was happy. I didn't realize it then, but I was lying to myself. I looked so sick, so frail. And after that I lost even more weight. 

Some of the shit I had to go through in 2013 made me drop to my lowest weight ever: 100 lbs. For a 5'8'' girl that is not healthy (my target weight is 135. Still not quite there… yet!) I woke up, I went to school, then I would come home and sleep or cry. I couldn't eat. Depression does weird things to people. I would get sick just LOOKING at food, let alone trying to eat it. My parents considered it a good day if I ate half a grilled cheese sandwich (and that's not including the crusts). 

Last year I never thought there was an end to the sadness. But now I know that there is: I'm living proof. Obviously my life isn't perfect. I still have bad days and I fuck up but I'm learning and by the end of the day I'm still someone I can be proud of. 

This past year I've discovered an author that I really connect with: Haruki Murakami. His works are bizarre and rather obtuse at times; even frightening. But in his writing I find solace. His characters comfort me, unique as they are. Especially in his novel, Dance, Dance, Dance did I connect with the characters and how they felt. His characters fuck up. They have sex and they smoke and they die and so many other things that I've never done but still feel so intimate. I'm currently reading his Kafka on the Shore and it's really messing with my head but not really in a bad way (it also gets brownie points for intersectionality, having a disabled character and a trans character, both of whom are POC)

In short, I've been doing a lot. Some people say it's too much. And you know what sometimes it is and I shouldn't stretch myself so thin but I would choose this life ANY DAY over the life I used to live. 

Have a beautiful night.