It's Been Awhile

Not sure when was the last time I posted. I've been busy. Since the beginning of December:

• I've had surgery
• Worked my ass off
• Passed PreCalc semester one with a B (!!)
• I've struggled to keep up in Physics
• I've continued to make more great friends
• Been reading some
• Started watching "Keeping up with the Kardashians" (I love the show so much I don't care when people judge like okay have fun hatin on a tv show haha)
• Been to some local concerts. 
• Gutted out my entire room and cleaned it from top to bottom (I donated about 50 books, threw away a lot of stuff from middle school through sophomore year, etc.)
• Had someone give me a Valentine's gift while I was working 

And much more. I've been so busy with my life that I've neglected this 'ol blog of mine. Some of the rare spare moments I have nowadays I spend journaling or reading. I started keeping a journal in April of last year and it's really therapeutic for me, being able to write down and quantify my feelings. I filled up an entire notebook and I've started in on another one, oh boy. 

It's also getting close to the anniversary of some very life-alerting events that happened to me last year. I honestly cannot believe a year has passed. I'm such a different person than before. I'm a better person. I went through hell but I came out alive and stronger and I thank God everyday for the way my life has changed. Recently I was looking back at photos from when I went to winter formal last year, and I have such huge bags under my eyes, and I was so underweight. I can't believe I thought I was happy. I didn't realize it then, but I was lying to myself. I looked so sick, so frail. And after that I lost even more weight. 

Some of the shit I had to go through in 2013 made me drop to my lowest weight ever: 100 lbs. For a 5'8'' girl that is not healthy (my target weight is 135. Still not quite there… yet!) I woke up, I went to school, then I would come home and sleep or cry. I couldn't eat. Depression does weird things to people. I would get sick just LOOKING at food, let alone trying to eat it. My parents considered it a good day if I ate half a grilled cheese sandwich (and that's not including the crusts). 

Last year I never thought there was an end to the sadness. But now I know that there is: I'm living proof. Obviously my life isn't perfect. I still have bad days and I fuck up but I'm learning and by the end of the day I'm still someone I can be proud of. 

This past year I've discovered an author that I really connect with: Haruki Murakami. His works are bizarre and rather obtuse at times; even frightening. But in his writing I find solace. His characters comfort me, unique as they are. Especially in his novel, Dance, Dance, Dance did I connect with the characters and how they felt. His characters fuck up. They have sex and they smoke and they die and so many other things that I've never done but still feel so intimate. I'm currently reading his Kafka on the Shore and it's really messing with my head but not really in a bad way (it also gets brownie points for intersectionality, having a disabled character and a trans character, both of whom are POC)

In short, I've been doing a lot. Some people say it's too much. And you know what sometimes it is and I shouldn't stretch myself so thin but I would choose this life ANY DAY over the life I used to live. 

Have a beautiful night.